the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
