Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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