woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
