omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
