i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
