You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
