All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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