things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
