When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
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Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
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What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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