Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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