Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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