i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
