there were more penises there than on chat roulette
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
