Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
