These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
