You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
