How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
