Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you have to choose: penises or morals?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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