I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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