I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
