we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
