Cold hands, warm shart.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
