I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
