You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
