wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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