Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
