I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
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I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
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i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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