just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
