im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
