Swine flu. Run for my life!
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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