I'll bet she douches with gravy.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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