I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
