I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
