you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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