i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
