we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
