How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
