Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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