I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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