i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.