my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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