dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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