I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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