And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
