I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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