everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
