How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
thus making me awesome and them whores
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
