Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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