I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
