I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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