If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
