i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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