I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.