I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.