I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?