So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
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She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
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He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies