Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
