Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
