it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Randomize
