She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
