Me. At least after what I've been through.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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