Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
