Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
